I love to talk, but I also have a habit of talking over others (specifically Bobby and my mom) and also controlling the conversation.
Bobby, on the other hand, does not like to communicate and does not like conflict while communicating. Yeah, that's the thing now and will clam up instantly. Shut down and abandon Abort mission. The second he feel that he has been threatened with conflict. Yep, that's accurate. So how does that work in our relationship? And being parents? It does not.
We've really worked on our communication since becoming parents, and even in our marriage in general. We learned a lot about communicating as a couple in our prenatal education class. They taught us the “I feel/that makes me feel..” method. You're getting your feelings across, and it's validated, but you're not actually accusing the person directly (saying what they did/didn’t do was wrong). This has helped us work out one conflict by ourselves.
A second way that we resolved conflict was, I wrote down what was bothering me on a paper where I did not have to confront Bobby with accusations or a tone of voice that would make him retaliate. There are certain things Bobby just doesn’t want to talk about so this allowed him to read through my notes without me and my attitude present. Your anger shows differently when you verbalize it rather than when you write on a piece of paper. It allows for the understanding of the words versus the understanding of the tones. This was actually our most adult conversation and easiest conflict resolution.
There are different ways of communicating well with your partner. And I saw a tip on Instagram or Tik Tok, I don't remember which one. But somebody was talking about how they decided that they needed to communicate with their partner but that feeling of conflict or accusation made the other clam up and would not talk so they were unable to communicate well. The partner asked, “What would be an easier way for you to communicate, this is something that we need to discuss.” The other’s response was “I would feel more comfortable talking to you in this form...” (I’m pretty sure it was by text) And they did, they were able to discuss whatever they need to discuss in a much better and more adult way than fighting.
One of the most helpful forms of communication that I had in the first months postpartum was Bobby’s daily check-ins. Very early on, I told Bobby that I was struggling big time and I needed him to check in with me throughout the day to make sure that the baby and I were still alive because it was tough for me to get through the day. And he was fan-freaking-tastic with that. Throughout the day I’d get “How are you feeling? Is everything okay? How are you doing?” And it was all by text message.
He helped me through that so much. I think that was some of the best communication that we had during those months and knowing that he stuck with it to make sure I was okay was the best feeling.
There are ways that you can see what works best for your style of communication and it doesn't have to be the same way every time either.
Book a Call
Would it help you to share your story? Let's chat about it one day!